Thursday, March 6, 2008

How I'm feeling



Last night I realized that the pain I was feeling, was all my fault. I had no one to blame for the loneliness that I was feeling. It was not a product of my parents' child rearing or my friend's fault but for once I realized that it was all my fault. I had refused to let God into the most secret places of my heart lest He would really make me over. Make me into something that was different from what I had known my whole life. Turn me into something that was unrecognizeable before my peers. Ostracize me, to the point of depression and still expect me to give Him praise. Yes I had really done it this time. Why couldn't I just let go? Let go of the pain that comforted me during the midnight hour. Why had I grown so accustomed to my own misery?





So with the start of this new blog I hope to begin to free myself. I looked up the word, freeing on dictionary.com and these are the definitions that spoke to my situation that are indicative of the level of freedom I want.





6. able to do something at will; at liberty: free to choose.

8. not occupied or in use





For a long time I was living in fear. Fear of myself and who I might become. Truly afraid of my own success because if I did do something great, what next? Would I fail? Would people like me? Who was I? Even at times I ask...Who am I? Am I really who I think I am? Sometimes I'm not sure but I do know that I can't live in fear anymore. I do know that I can't keep doing the same thing(s) over and over again expecting different results. I just can't live like this anymore. I have to be free. Free on the inside. I have to know at my core that I am free and that no one can hold me down or shake me. I'm my own person. I'm living this life for me. For me...for me...wow...that's hard for me to type, let alone say out loud. I know that I am beautiful and full of potential and have a full life ahead of me but I can't ignore the truth of my circumstance. If you are in bondage then you need to acknowledge that first and get a plan of recovery and restoration going. You can't just sit and wallow in your mess!!! Well Thank you Lord for that Revelation at 2am this morning!!!