Thursday, March 20, 2008

The Power of Prayer

Last night I had an awesome experience.

Wednesday, March 19, 2008


I am such a jerk. OK not really but I realized that I do say "No" entirely too much...well sometimes not enough. In particular when people offer me things, that's the first thing that I say. I say No Thank you to whatever it is that they are pedaling or pushing. I don't want it. I just can't help it. Growing up my parents really enforced that don't take candy from strangers rule. This guy that keeps coming into my job to fix/work on people's computers always asks me about these headaches I get and today he's like. I have a whole case of smart water in the car. Want some? I'm like no, because one you'd have to go downstairs and come back upstairs and bring me the water and then every time I saw you I'd have to thank you for the water you gave me. I just don't want that kind of responsibility. It's too much for me. So yeah, I'm not about to just start saying yes more, just realized I'm a reject-er even if there is nothing wrong with the product (I'm talking about another situation in my head...Whoooooooooooooo). So maybe I should have taken it, that's expensive stuff!!!

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

I thank you


I thank you today for just being so good to me. I know that I often doubt you but I am so thankful that you forgive me and consistently love me. You always come through. Even in those things that hurt me and seem to be tearing me down I know that you are really building me up. You are building me up to do those things you've called me to do and to act as I know in my heart of hearts I am. Just being no trying just being. I thank you Lord for life, health, and strength and I declare that I am healed by your stripes. I know you want the best for me, and help me to see how the things that you sent into my life such as people are helping me get to that best that you want for me. Lord you are good and your mercy endures forever. Lord I love you. Lord I thank you. Lord I worship you. Lord I submit to you. Lord you are God. There is no one like you. Thanks for being there when no one else was there. I love you and I praise. Lord, I ask that you be glorified today and that I would move out of the way for you to have your way. I don't want to prevent you from flowing in me. I love you.

In Jesus Name I pray,


Friday, March 14, 2008

Something's not right

All day today I've had this weird feeling that something was not right. I felt like something was just off. I can't explain but deep in my heart something is missing. Something is wrong. I can't quite put my finger on it but something is different. At lunch today there was just a silence over me. I didn't want to speak. I didn't want to share. I just wanted to be still. Even now I wish I were at home to crawl into my bed and cry out to God. In my heart and my mind I'm praying. I may not be able to yell like I want to because I'm working but please believe that I will be crying my little heart out to God as soon as I get to my car. In worship, in prayer, in the spirit, and in any way that He asks me to. I will put Him first. I will worship him.

Now I'm thinking it should always be like this. Why is today so special? Because I feel like it. God is calling me to give Him my all every day, every minute and every sec. It's not difficult.

My Prayer

Dear Lord,

I want to want you. I want to need you. I want to desire you. I want to long for you. I want to just admire you. I want to learn how to love you the way that you've called me to love you. I want to love you so much that my desires are completely lined up with your desires for me. I want you to be pleased with me. I want you to tell me that I have done what it is that you have asked of me. I want to let you in. Lord do a new and wonderful work in me or allow me to finally see the work you've been trying to do in me. Lord I love you and I thank you. You are so amazing Lord. You deserve all the glory and honor. Praises to your name.

In Jesus Name I pray,


All I can say is that I believe.

I love you all!!!


Love Without Conditions

Lately God is showing me how I lead a conditional life. Most of what I do or do not do is based on conditions. If - then statements like If I get paid then I'll give this. If you call me then I'll go. If they ask me then I'll do it. If they don't apologize then I won't either. If they make a right turn I'll go in front of them. If this outfit doesn't work, then I'll change this top. I know that's pretty simple but I've been shown how that translates into my relationship with God, other Christians and even myself. More importantly I've noticed this about my love(actually it's His Love). I give it sparingly. Sometimes I want to love God and other times I want to feel neutral towards Him because although I've submitted my life to Him I really haven't done so. I submitted it to Him under the condition that I would have life and life abundantly, that he's gracious and full of mercy, that He knows the plans for my life...etc. I have submitted my life to Him under the condition that everything will work out the way I want it to and that's not real love. I shouldn't want to love God only for the blessings that He will give me but because He first loved me and never stopped. Since He forgave me I should always love him no matter what and even better than that He's God, the one true, living God. And loving Him...guess what? That means loving His people. That means automatically I should just love them. I should just look at them and love them. I should just see Him all over their lives and thank the Lord for them. However the truth is that I don't. I get jealous and envious of other believers, I get mad at unbelievers, I get hurt by friends, and I often stray from God's Will creating this false reality that He's forsaken me when in all actuality I'm the one who left Him. It's time for the conditional love to stop it's time for us to just love. When a thought arises outside love, we should cast it down. I say reject sin/burdens/lies/drama basically anything that can and will keep you from being in holy communion with the Father. Then accept His Will for your life. And Love. Love your God with everything that is within you. Love Him for who He is and if you don't know who He is then ask Him to reveal Himself to you. Ask Him but go after Him. Look for Him to show up in your life. Ask Him to make the foreign things plain. Then while you are learning to Love God unconditionally, Love your neighbours, brothers, sisters, all humanity and Love yourself.

So Let's learn how to Love without the conditions.

I love you all.


Wednesday, March 12, 2008

It's coming

Have you ever seen a season of your life fast approaching and thought, how did I get here? Not in a bad way but in a way that you didn't think it would ever happen and now that's on the horizon you just can't believe it almost. Well that time has come for me. I wrote about preparation earlier today because I can truly feel God preparing me for something bigger than myself. I know that he is working in and through me and that he with this new season he's showing me so much.

However my main focus is still to stay close to Him. I don't know what I'm doing and I don't want to mess anything but I can't freeze. I can't not move because of this uncertainty. Awhile ago I was out shopping and I was enjoying myself and as I picked up an article of clothing it really hit, I'm next. God is saying now is your time to bloom. Now is your time to be beautiful. Now is your time to be all that I called you to. Now that's our call everyday but I could hear God really saying this all to me. Time passed and I questioned this calling but again He spoke, this time using my name "Amber". He spoke in my heart, my life, everywhere He spoke to me. I thank Him for that, now that he's calling me.

I know that now that he's calling I must answer. And my answer is Yes. I don't know what's going to happen but my answer is yes because you've been so faithful. You've been so true and how could I say no. How?

What's He calling you to?


Can you feel God preparing you for something? I know that I can. It hasn't always been like this. There were times when I just couldn't feel Him at all. Times when I thought that I was all alone. Times that were not to far away from the present. Now I can see God's hand in my life and the lives of those around me. I'm thanking God for working in situations that when I was going through it I couldn't see how it was going to end. I mean now that I'm out I'm like how didn't I know that he was going to take care of me. How couldn't I know and understand His love for me? Now it just reminds me how important it is to stay humble and grateful through it all.

God has been whispering sweet somethings into my ear regarding His plan for my life. I don't always understand or even get things right but I'm so excited that I can hear Him. I'm so excited that He listens to me. I'm glad that it's all working out for His glory, for His goodness.

To know your plan and purpose and not like in its entirety but to know the plan seems so out there and you think it could be anything. However if you spend time with the Most High, you will learn His heart and ways and essentially learn your heart too. He will show you your heart, desires, and what He's called you to.

So ask Him today, What is YOUR purpose, plan, desire, want, need, etc, for my life?

Watch him rock your socks!!

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

Why seek His face?

I asked myself this very question this morning? Why is it that the Bible encourages to seek God's face? Why not his hand or his body or his mind? Why are we seeking his face? What is it about the face of God that is worth seeking? Forgive me I'm not trying to be disrespectful I'm just curious. I was really thinking about that today. I plan to research it further and let you know what I find out but I really am curious about why we are encouraged to seek his face.

Here are my thoughts. When I was growing up often times I would get into trouble, and would find myself standing in the doorway of my parents' bedroom on trial, pleading my case and they would always emphasis maintaining eye contact with them. It's like if they could see my face, they could see if I was lying, being sincere, acting in spite, etc. So maybe God wants us to see his emotion see his heart projected on his face. Maybe that's why we are told to seek his.

Secondly, I think of Asian Cultures where the elders/adults find it highly disrespectful when the children look the parents in the eyes. If they are truly respectful, they will bow their heads as a sign of humility. In other cultures I hear that eye contact can be viewed as challenging behavior.
However we're seeking his face not his eyes. Hmmm...interesting.

Then I think to myself maybe it's just that God views us as friends so we can sit and talk to him face to face and he will hear our plea. Maybe we need to know that he loves us, and places us higher than we view ourselves so therefore we are allowed to view him face to face. I don't know exactly what it is, but I want to know more. I want to know why we are encouraged to seek his face.

Monday, March 10, 2008

Being Loved

Being loved doesn't just go one way. In order to be loved, you must love as well. Whether you show that love first is not important. However in order to be loved you must love. Whether it be a romantic relationship or just a friend if you want that relationship to grow then you must put forth some type of effort. I'm learning in my walk with Christ that my love is quite shallow. Where I thought I'd go the distance I find myself lazing about, not doing much of anything. Yes I love Christ because he first loved me but now He wants more of me because time is up. Yes time is up for the inconsistent love relationship. I love Him when he's good to me, and lowkey resent him when he hasn't done what I asked of him. Not ever stopping to think once that I could be the problem. Time is up for the games but it is time for sincerity. To be honest and sincere with God about how I feel about things. I'm too old, well age or time is not relevant but I know good and well that I can't make a mess and want it to be dealt with but hide it to avoid the consequences of my actions because of fear of the unknown.

Growing up I feared my parents. They did an excellent job of instilling fear of them in me. So good, that I never wanted to disobey them because I feared disappointing them. I feared what they would do, but I would still disobey them because they were never consistent in their punishment so there was always a chance that I wouldn't be punished because they didn't stick to their word. In many ways I take that same mentality and apply it to my relationship with God. I think he's just like my parents, unfaithful. I think if he said something, he didn't mean it or it's not going to come to fruition because my parents never did what they said but how many of you know, that's not true of God. He is the same, unchanging, still, long suffering, he is exactly what he will do. Never less than the truth, but always right on time.

I must declare his truthfulness in the earth. His faithfulness. His love.

97 Oh, how I love your law! I meditate on it all day long.
98 Your commands make me wiser than my enemies, for they are ever with me.
99 I have more insight than all my teachers, for I meditate on your statutes.
100 I have more understanding than the elders, for I obey your precepts.
101 I have kept my feet from every evil path so that I might obey your word.
102 I have not departed from your laws, for you yourself have taught me.
103 How sweet are your words to my taste, sweeter than honey to my mouth!
104 I gain understanding from your precepts; therefore I hate every wrong path.
105 Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light for my path.
106 I have taken an oath and confirmed it, that I will follow your righteous laws.
107 I have suffered much; preserve my life, O LORD, according to your word.
108 Accept, O LORD, the willing praise of my mouth, and teach me your laws.
109 Though I constantly take my life in my hands, I will not forget your law.
110 The wicked have set a snare for me, but I have not strayed from your precepts.
111 Your statutes are my heritage forever; they are the joy of my heart.
112 My heart is set on keeping your decrees to the very end.
113 I hate double-minded men, but I love your law.
114 You are my refuge and my shield; I have put my hope in your word.
115 Away from me, you evildoers, that I may keep the commands of my God!
116 Sustain me according to your promise, and I will live; do not let my hopes be dashed.
117 Uphold me, and I will be delivered; I will always have regard for your decrees.
118 You reject all who stray from your decrees, for their deceitfulness is in vain.
119 All the wicked of the earth you discard like dross; therefore I love your statutes.
120 My flesh trembles in fear of you; I stand in awe of your laws.

Do I really believe this? Can I say that this is my heart. That I love his law and really love it. God is showing me my heart towards him. All the things that are in me. I've asked that he help me and he's truly transforming me. I once heard preached, that the difference between transition and transformation is that one requires change. The latter of course, requires you to be molded into something other than your previous form, whether this is done physically such as a pregnancy where your are physically changing or a personality change, or a financial change. Whereas a transition simply moves you from one locale to another. It simply takes you from where you are and places you in another place. When God transforms you, he is making you over and drawing certain things out of you to take you to a new place. He's equipping you for whatever is coming next just make sure that you are listening and taking heed to what is going on because you could miss very important instructions.

So let God in, I'm really letting go of my junk. My bad attitude, my insecurities, my self centered will, my hurt, my rejection, and all that other stuff that's hidden so deep that I think it's normal.

Let it go!!!

Friday, March 7, 2008

Day 2: Staying Committed's hard to follow through sometimes. As much as you intend to, sometimes things just happen. This time I want to make it through past the place that I was before. Past the complacency, past the hurt, past the place where I stopped last time. I know that it's going to take time but does anyone else want it all now. Does anyone else want to experience the success now, the love now, the happiness now, the joy now? Does anyone else want to be fulfilled? Knowing that that place in their heart, soul, body, has been filled. I want that. Sometimes I feel like I have that, but truthfully, those times are far and few between, to say the least. I know who God created me to be, but why can't I just BE? Why are all the false personas still hanging around? Why won't I just let them die and fall off of me. Maybe because I like it, not consciously but beneath the surface I love the Mask. It's my idol. It's my protection from the world because if they don't see who I really am then they can never hurt me. What they say doesn't hurt or even what they do because they are speaking to someone I've created. I've pretended so long, I don't even know if I can be my true self.

The woman that is comfortable in jeans, likes--no loves to dress up for special occasions with the fresh hair style, nails done, jewelry, make-up--the works. The woman who loves to minister and pray. The woman who loves to daydream and zone out from time to time. The woman who loves to dance, with herself, her friends, and strangers. The woman who needs God but often runs when He shows himself strong on her behalf. The woman who loves to write...just anything she's feeling. The woman who's changing and growing. The woman who makes mistakes. The woman who smiles so big, it hides her eyes. The woman who wants to be genuine with everyone she meets. The woman who dreams big and always hopes for the best. The woman that God created me to be.

I guess I need to just stay true to myself. I need to make sure that I am honest in all things and prayerful in everything. I need to be, just be.

So for today and tomorrow, there are goals that I want to accomplish but if I don't it's okay. I think it was William Shakespeare who wrote "To thine ownself be true" but I think it's best said. "To thine own God be true" because if you are true to him then he'll be true to you...well he's always true, HE's God...ya know. But I think you get the jist.

Have a great day!!!

I love you all!

Thursday, March 6, 2008

How I'm feeling

Last night I realized that the pain I was feeling, was all my fault. I had no one to blame for the loneliness that I was feeling. It was not a product of my parents' child rearing or my friend's fault but for once I realized that it was all my fault. I had refused to let God into the most secret places of my heart lest He would really make me over. Make me into something that was different from what I had known my whole life. Turn me into something that was unrecognizeable before my peers. Ostracize me, to the point of depression and still expect me to give Him praise. Yes I had really done it this time. Why couldn't I just let go? Let go of the pain that comforted me during the midnight hour. Why had I grown so accustomed to my own misery?

So with the start of this new blog I hope to begin to free myself. I looked up the word, freeing on and these are the definitions that spoke to my situation that are indicative of the level of freedom I want.

6. able to do something at will; at liberty: free to choose.

8. not occupied or in use

For a long time I was living in fear. Fear of myself and who I might become. Truly afraid of my own success because if I did do something great, what next? Would I fail? Would people like me? Who was I? Even at times I ask...Who am I? Am I really who I think I am? Sometimes I'm not sure but I do know that I can't live in fear anymore. I do know that I can't keep doing the same thing(s) over and over again expecting different results. I just can't live like this anymore. I have to be free. Free on the inside. I have to know at my core that I am free and that no one can hold me down or shake me. I'm my own person. I'm living this life for me. For me...for's hard for me to type, let alone say out loud. I know that I am beautiful and full of potential and have a full life ahead of me but I can't ignore the truth of my circumstance. If you are in bondage then you need to acknowledge that first and get a plan of recovery and restoration going. You can't just sit and wallow in your mess!!! Well Thank you Lord for that Revelation at 2am this morning!!!