I didn't know

So when I started this blog I had no idea what I was starting. I thought that this was going to be just a small something that I did just to get some things off my chest or to clear my head and maybe bless someone. However God has totally blown my mind with this blog. The title behind the blog is "Freeing Myself" and it all came out of this prison that I held my self captive in mentally, financially, spiritually, emotionally, etc, etc, and etc. I could go on and with all the ways that I kept myself from truly being free. I was just telling someone last night that when I was 18 and in college I had this pressing fear that if I didn't go to bed at a certain time or do my homework or do the dishes and clean the bathroom or went to a party knowing I had class the next morning that I truly thought my parents were going to show up out of nowhere and at that time they lived in Las Vegas so that definitely wasn't happening but some reason I made myself believe that and it prevented me from truly enjoying myself because in the back of my mind I still felt like a kid. Now in all seriousness yes I was still a child in many ways but to the good ol US of A I was an adult. Eligible for military service, jury duty, tax responsibility, and so on. I say all of this to say that to say that this blog was prophetic in its declaration. I needed to free myself from some things in March 2008 when I started this and now September 2008 I am just coming out of some of those things and others I am still struggling with but I am happy that I am learning and growing and truly learning how to be free the way that God has called to be free. Free from fear and embracing love and adventure and the marvelous journey that God has for me.

Fabrication in my mind!

Fab·ri·cate (fāb'rĭ-kāt') Pronunciation Key
tr.v. fab·ri·cat·ed, fab·ri·cat·ing, fab·ri·cates

1. To make; create.
2. To construct by combining or assembling diverse, typically standardized parts: fabricate small boats.
3. To concoct in order to deceive: fabricated an excuse.

fab·ri·ca·tion /ˌfæbrɪˈkeɪʃən/ Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronunciation[fab-ri-key-shuhn] Pronunciation Key - Show IPA Pronunciation
–noun
1. the act or process of fabricating; manufacture.
2. something fabricated, esp. an untruthful statement: His account of the robbery is a complete fabrication.



So I'm completely guilty of fabrication. For years I have created these elaborate stories and ideas in mind. Some close to the truth and some so far off that it should just be a sin to think what I thought. Wait a minute lying is a sin, even when it's to yourself. I guess I didn't see it that way. I think I even subconsciously thought I was being honest with myself. Somewhere deep down inside I thought I was a good person. I thought I was spending my money wisely. I thought I knew everything. However the more and more that I live and step outside of my comfort zone, the more and more that I realize that I don't know everything the more I realize I know absolutely nothing at all. I think that today in America at least with all our research and market tracings that we somehow think we can just follow the trend and predict what's coming next. However the past is not an indicator of future success. Just because something worked back then doesn't mean it's going to work now. So what does that mean for you? I don't know. What it means to me is that I need to get off my rusty dusty and live like I've never lived before. It means that if I want this change that I talk about so much then I should probably do something to achieve it. That means it's going to take sacrifice. I will have to sacrifice my money, my time, my life, and a lot more of what I don't want to. However the consequences of not sacrificing are going to be more severe than actually sacrificing.

All Alone

Have you ever just felt all alone? Right now that's how I feel. I didn't think things could turn out like this but they have. My mind is swarming right now. I'm in so deep that I can't even breathe. I feel like my enemies have conquered me. I feel like I'm left in the desert to die.

Dowry

What are you worth?

So I was on this random blog http://coolbass06.blogspot.com/ (check it out when you have time) and this guy I guess just "stumbles upon", which is ironically another interesting site, a site called http://www.howmanygoats.com/ and on the site it has this quiz. The quiz is centered around the old principle of a suitor paying the father of the woman he wants to wed a dowry. The dowry could be land/animals/money/etc. In this case the dowry is goats. So the quiz asks you a series of questions and at the end you are rated a number of goats that you are worth. I am apparently worth 9 goats. Anyways I bring this all up because it got me thinking about femininity and our society.

Honestly, I feel like no one thinks like this anymore.

What more

What more can I ask of a man who has my best interest at heart
What more can I say to a man who has the perfect words
What more can I do to prove my love for a a man who gave his

Lord today in the midst of all the confusion. I set aside my heart, feelings and emotions so that I may have the life that you promised me. I will no longer give the enemy my promise willingly. I know that it is something I freely received so thank you Lord. I proclaim you Lord of all and Lord of my life. Forgive my hesitancy to giving you full control. Forgive my distrust in your plan for my life and disbelief that you have a plan. Lord I know you have my best interest at heart so continue to work in my heart and in mind.

In Jesus Name I pray

Amen